Otherside

I have just traveled sixteen hours from Singapore back to the States. It is very early in the morning (or very late at night) and I still cannot sleep. I think the reason I cannot sleep is not all because of jet lag. I just found out that I had not completed some work that was due actually, a week ago, so I panicked. I had a meltdown in a sense. Because I felt that a year of what I worked on was wasted. So I cried for a while. Then I called this automated service and had what needed to be delivered. Done right?
No. I am still thinking about whether or not everything will be okay. Because, I am not feeling okay. I had a meltdown. Maybe it was not a meltdown, maybe just a moment of panicking, but since I labeled it as a meltdown, maybe it really is a meltdown. One reason I call it a meltdown-- I have experienced this same panic-induced feeling many times in my life. I have really have many "experiences," but I have experienced meltdowns all too often. In a way, maybe I am being too melodramatic, but I feel a knot inside of myself that indicates that I am stressed and unhappy.
The second reason came out of this indirect, more existential problem I have. After I did my best to sort things through and get rid of my worries, this problem popped up. I felt that if I live my life always worrying about getting things done on time and just surviving, then maybe, what is the point of living? I am not depressed. I feel as though I am just surviving though. There are certain things that I cherish and remember, but maybe those were distractions, or maybe holidays and vacations, from reality? I feel lost. I have no clue what I am doing and where I am going. I know where I want to go, but I do not know exactly how to get there.

In one scene of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Harry is lying awake in his sleeping bag, remembering that just a few hours ago, he was at a wedding, having a wonderful time, and now, he is the most wanted criminal in the UK. That is exactly how I feel. Though, more grounded to my reality. It just shows how volatile and unexpected life can be.

Speculative Searchers

It took me a very long time to figure this out- why the fuck am I not writing? After planning and outlining, when it comes to write, I basically have nothing. I think I have some innate laziness which causes me to nap all the time. So now, I am going to write. Because I need to. I haven't in probably four months. WELL, I haven't completed anything since those four months ago. Bleh. That old gramps and brat script somehow got lost in the pile of old notebooks. I haven't really figured out how to get the old grandpa and the brat alone together to bond. I drove the family out with some competition for the sister, had the grandpa situated near the family so the boy can spend his weekends with him, and had the grandpa in the house where the boy lives. I need those two to bond without some annoying child or meddlesome parent. :(

I also realize that I hate where my life is going at the moment. I think I am experiencing with Kafka was feeling when he wrote The Metamorphosis. I hate being able to relate to books. Especially sad, depressing ones. I am going to read Harry Potter again and be able to relate to Harry again. His life has been one major battle after the other, but he manages to be happy. I don't know how he does it, but I sure would love that optimism and determination.

Never Let Them Go

I recently was watching something with my parents and something really struck me "Will I be as good of a parent as they are?" Quite the strange question to ask oneself especially if that oneself happened to still be called a kid. We were watching a muckracking television show about the deplorable state and neglect children, especially orphans, and the mature decisions they have to make because of their heavy responsibilities. But underneath the Schindler's List-esque music and the cries, is just a story about the loss the innocence. This show instantly reminded me of a movie I watched a year ago about the effects of war on children. That movie happened to be Grave of the Fireflies. Though I often remain stony faced when I see war, watching the small child hallucinate really got to me. That small child and her older brother were just like the characters in the show, except this time, an older female orphan caring for her younger "brother." These children have to face the cruelty of adults, the fear of losing each other, and also the fear of starvation.

I asked my mother how some adults could be exceptionally cruel to children that are not their own. She told me that some parents feel resentment towards their own children and instead love their pets even more. Fortunately my family doesn't have pets. I felt quite glad and humbled by the amount of care and love they have given me. It also made me feel guilty for all the shit they had to put up with. Teen angst sucks for everyone.

I feel bad now because I am going to introduce more pop culture into this post. Harry Potter and Pan's Labyrinth. My friends say I am obsessed with these two stories. I just think they work on so many levels. In Harry Potter, Harry is infuriated by the way his mentor abandons his wife and child to help Harry. Harry says that parents should never abandon their children. It is even sadder when both the mother and father leave their newborn to fight against the evil wrong doer. In the midst of a battle, they are killed and this child is left parent-less, just like Harry. In Pan's Labyrinth, Ofelia escapes to the dream world while her mother battles an uncooperative fetus and her stepfather cruelly kills every farmer. Her delusion escalates when her mother dies and she begins to rely heavily on the made up faun. When Ofelia is wounded, Mercedes, her surrogate mother, watches in despair knowing she cannot help the little girl.

Am I going to be a good parent? I don't know. All I know is that when I will have children, I will try my best to protect them and to nuture them and to let them go when the time is right. But will any "good" parent ever let their child go? I think I will never be able to let my children go.

Another Story

In another parallel universe, I think my alter ego would be a "cleaner." To some extent, I really do like the idea of becoming one, and in the more rational part of my brain, no way. I'd probably trip and fall on my own sword, erm dagger, gun, what not. I'll be the Laertes of assassins. That would be pretty awful.

---

I really can't wait. I'm pretty much excited for the next three movies. I can't wait to see the Malfoy Manor scene and the Shell Cottage scene. It will be pretty much heart wrenching material- Harry watching helplessly as "Dobby's eyes fade" is one of the most realistic examples of the pain of losing loved ones. In Half Blood Prince, the use of Fawkes was really haunting. I hope the producers include that part.

"Look...at...me..." he [Snape] whispered.
The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, bland, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more."

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J. K. Rowling

And She Will Kiss the Clouds

Living in a very nice neighborhood puts a dampener on any whiner or complainer. So, myself living in a quite affluent place find it hard to relate to issues that others find so normal within their lives. After reading a nice "inspirational" article about following dreams, and hmm, a novel about an uncomprimising soul, well I figured I might as well write something to voice my opinions and to well, just for the heck of it. Plus, there is some lame script thing, but there are no specifications of how long it has to be. I am aiming that this post will cover at least 30 minutes of that script and inspire more scripts.

So...

Living a life without worries but filled with any possibility imaginiable is a life many covet. For many people living in a partiular area, this is what is defined as normal. Young children live with so much vitality and love. This is prevalent everywhere. However, when living amongst these "normal" people, these young children bloom into worry free teenagers. Teenagers are not worry free totally, still having to endure stress from school and studies. However the teens here have only that to basically worry about. The rest just does not exist. When these teens grow up, they finally become adults. Either these adults become shocked, thrown into an unknown world that they thought never existed before, or they adjust comfortably, already knowing so much that they have found a decent job. Either way, these young people are thrown into a different place, almost a different world. The comforts of home have lulled them into a false sense of security which is immediately taken away when the insurances decide to stop covering them, as a result of no longer being a "kid".

... also, as a note, something entirely unrelated, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be split in to two films.