Otherside

I have just traveled sixteen hours from Singapore back to the States. It is very early in the morning (or very late at night) and I still cannot sleep. I think the reason I cannot sleep is not all because of jet lag. I just found out that I had not completed some work that was due actually, a week ago, so I panicked. I had a meltdown in a sense. Because I felt that a year of what I worked on was wasted. So I cried for a while. Then I called this automated service and had what needed to be delivered. Done right?
No. I am still thinking about whether or not everything will be okay. Because, I am not feeling okay. I had a meltdown. Maybe it was not a meltdown, maybe just a moment of panicking, but since I labeled it as a meltdown, maybe it really is a meltdown. One reason I call it a meltdown-- I have experienced this same panic-induced feeling many times in my life. I have really have many "experiences," but I have experienced meltdowns all too often. In a way, maybe I am being too melodramatic, but I feel a knot inside of myself that indicates that I am stressed and unhappy.
The second reason came out of this indirect, more existential problem I have. After I did my best to sort things through and get rid of my worries, this problem popped up. I felt that if I live my life always worrying about getting things done on time and just surviving, then maybe, what is the point of living? I am not depressed. I feel as though I am just surviving though. There are certain things that I cherish and remember, but maybe those were distractions, or maybe holidays and vacations, from reality? I feel lost. I have no clue what I am doing and where I am going. I know where I want to go, but I do not know exactly how to get there.

In one scene of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Harry is lying awake in his sleeping bag, remembering that just a few hours ago, he was at a wedding, having a wonderful time, and now, he is the most wanted criminal in the UK. That is exactly how I feel. Though, more grounded to my reality. It just shows how volatile and unexpected life can be.