Never Let Them Go

I recently was watching something with my parents and something really struck me "Will I be as good of a parent as they are?" Quite the strange question to ask oneself especially if that oneself happened to still be called a kid. We were watching a muckracking television show about the deplorable state and neglect children, especially orphans, and the mature decisions they have to make because of their heavy responsibilities. But underneath the Schindler's List-esque music and the cries, is just a story about the loss the innocence. This show instantly reminded me of a movie I watched a year ago about the effects of war on children. That movie happened to be Grave of the Fireflies. Though I often remain stony faced when I see war, watching the small child hallucinate really got to me. That small child and her older brother were just like the characters in the show, except this time, an older female orphan caring for her younger "brother." These children have to face the cruelty of adults, the fear of losing each other, and also the fear of starvation.

I asked my mother how some adults could be exceptionally cruel to children that are not their own. She told me that some parents feel resentment towards their own children and instead love their pets even more. Fortunately my family doesn't have pets. I felt quite glad and humbled by the amount of care and love they have given me. It also made me feel guilty for all the shit they had to put up with. Teen angst sucks for everyone.

I feel bad now because I am going to introduce more pop culture into this post. Harry Potter and Pan's Labyrinth. My friends say I am obsessed with these two stories. I just think they work on so many levels. In Harry Potter, Harry is infuriated by the way his mentor abandons his wife and child to help Harry. Harry says that parents should never abandon their children. It is even sadder when both the mother and father leave their newborn to fight against the evil wrong doer. In the midst of a battle, they are killed and this child is left parent-less, just like Harry. In Pan's Labyrinth, Ofelia escapes to the dream world while her mother battles an uncooperative fetus and her stepfather cruelly kills every farmer. Her delusion escalates when her mother dies and she begins to rely heavily on the made up faun. When Ofelia is wounded, Mercedes, her surrogate mother, watches in despair knowing she cannot help the little girl.

Am I going to be a good parent? I don't know. All I know is that when I will have children, I will try my best to protect them and to nuture them and to let them go when the time is right. But will any "good" parent ever let their child go? I think I will never be able to let my children go.